Oil Changes (humor)

[racfish]

Oil Change instructions for Women:
1. Pull up to Dealership when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change:$34.00
Coffee: Complementary
TOTAL: $34.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, and use your debit card for $50.00.
2. Stop by Beer Store and buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19. Remember drain plug from step 11.
20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21. Drink beer.
22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24. Crawl under truck getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25. Begin cussing fit.
26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent.
28. Beer.
29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30. Beer.
31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32. Beer.
33. Lower truck from jack stands.
34. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35. Beer.
36. Test drive truck.
37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38. truck gets impounded.
39. Call loving wife, make bail.
40. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2,500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1,500.00
Beer: $20.00
TOTAL: $4,145.00

[Rich McVey]

WOW, guess she wasnt driving an F350 Diesel. Its $175 at Jiffy Lube if you want the full synthetic.

[MotoBoat]

WOW, guess she wasnt driving an F350 Diesel. Its $175 at Jiffy Lube if you was the full synthetic.

Seriously? How much freeken oil is that? There is little else compared to a fresh hit of sulfer in the morning. LOL!

[Rich McVey]

WOW, guess she wasnt driving an F350 Diesel. Its $175 at Jiffy Lube if you was the full synthetic.

Seriously? How much freeken oil is that? There is little else compared to a fresh hit of sulfer the morning. LOL!

15 quarts for my 6.0 liter.

[MotoBoat]

Almost 4 Gallon's! Do Diesel's run hot? Why the large capacity of oil as compared to a gas?

[Rich McVey]

Mine doesnt run hot. May just have to google the answer, I dont know why the capacity is so high. I hear some trucks are as high as 21 quarts.

[natetreat]

Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

Hahahahah, this totally happens. Minus the DUI part.

[Rich McVey]

Almost 4 Gallon's! Do Diesel's run hot? Why the large capacity of oil as compared to a gas?

From what I was told, the Diesel engine use the that extra oil for hydraulics. Steering, fuel pump, ... and such.

[Racer]

I don't see anything wrong with this. Normal weekend working on the cars.

[Mike Carey]

OMG, now I remember why I stopped doing my own oil! Hilarious.

[PokeyPrasch]

I can relate.
I replaced my alternator in the spring, and after trying to get everything taken off I dropped something, I can't remember what and it was lost in the abyss of my engine compartment. Being irritated I dropped the hood and walked off, "There's always Sunday". Sunday morning I woke up to the new dent in my freshly waxed hood where I shut it on the power steering that was removed to get to the alternator.