Colonoscopy

[tsath24]

If you have ever had a colonoscopy this is really funny.

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!' I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 1.05 quarts) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

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On the subject of Colonoscopies. ...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous... . A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earnhart yet?'

3.. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9.. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'


And the best one of all.

12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

[Bodofish]

Hehehe that's funny, Dave wrote that a long time ago, I first read it in the Times. Funny stuff!

[tsath24]

Hehehe that's funny, Dave wrote that a long time ago, I first read it in the Times. Funny stuff!

How long ago was it written? "...never must fall into the hands of America's enemies..." HA!

[Bodofish]

Over 5 and less than 10, I first read it when getting warmed up for the first ride and that was over 5 years ago.

[Mike Carey]

Oh God, I'm due again soon... dear God, don't spare the drugs!

[Bodofish]

High Ho Silver and away!!!!!!! Me too.........

[The Quadfather]

Thanks for sharing, I just approved a day off for a co-worker to get a colonoscopy in a few weeks. Of course, I'll send this to her.

[tsath24]

I am definitely not looking forward to my first colonoscopy... :/ ..... Reading this gave me a good chuckle for the rest of the day though. Haha definitely share this with this with your co-worker!

[returnofthefish]

Thanks man. I got a good laugh which was definitely needed.

[racfish]

I was supposed to get one but they wanted me to lay off coumadin for five days so I lucked out. It didnt hurt as much as it is so embarresing. Last time enough wind came out of me that Puget Sound Energy offered me a contract.

[tsath24]

I was supposed to get one but they wanted me to lay off coumadin for five days so I lucked out. It didnt hurt as much as it is so embarresing. Last time enough wind came out of me that Puget Sound Energy offered me a contract.

HAHAHA! that's a good one....Should have manufactured a whole field of those wind catching blades and just turned your back...

[hewesfisher]

I am definitely not looking forward to my first colonoscopy... :/ ..... Reading this gave me a good chuckle for the rest of the day though. Haha definitely share this with this with your co-worker!

Nothing to fear, I had my first 3 years ago. Had heard all the horror stories, watched my wife go through the prep a couple years prior, heard from my mother about how bad the prep was for hers, a good friend also told me of his tribulations, so I too feared the process. The cleansing part is a breeze, just stay close to the bathroom. Everyone told me how nasty the laxative drink tasted, but honestly, it wasn't as bad as everyone made it out to be. Chill it down good, pour the recommended amount, and drink it all at once, simple.

I had never had an IV before, nor had I ever been put under anesthesia, so those were firsts for me too. The IV tech was real good, I didn't feel a thing. I remember being rolled into the procedure room where I mentioned this would be my first time ever to be "put under" and the anesthesiologist and nurse assistant both exclaimed, "Oh, a virgin". Next thing I remember was the tech telling me it was time to get up and get dressed. Saw the Doc maybe 10 mins later where he pronounced me healthy and I didn't need to come back for 10 years.

Much better doing this than dealing with colon cancer.

[natetreat]

Hahaha! At least they put you under, that makes it seem a lot better. I'd fear that a lot less than the STD check with the super-size q-tip swab. They don't put you under for that one. Which believe me, they should. I accidentally took a glance down south during the procedure and promptly passed out. There are a lot worse things, like getting your wisdom teeth pulled while awake, when they accidentally break the tooth and spend two hours digging in your jawbone for tooth shards.

[racfish]

Come on guys. Having surgical procedures isnt that bad. I ran a 6/0 hook with a barb in my hand. Had to go to Valley General for hook removal. I drove there from Redondo area. Ive been pinched by crabs.Nailed with a dogfish spike. Those hurt way worse then medical stuff. LOL.. Hahaha

[G-Man]

Leave it to Racfish to bring up some of my more painful memories of fishing. I once made the mistake of picking up a dogfish behind the head like I would a snake and ended up with a mark in my forearm for quite some time afterwards reminding me why that isn't a good idea. Crab pinching has to be the worst, like slamming a door on your fingers. With my last occurrence a female dungie cut me right through my leather gloves. Thankfully I haven't yet put a hook through my skin past the barb, my father excels at that in our family.

[tsath24]

OUCH! A 6/0 hook would be painful...No easy procedure on getting that huge barb out...I do agree crab pinching is painful, they don't just pinch and let go; they'll hang on until you're crying.

[natetreat]

Yep, if you go out there enough you'll get some dandys. I got a hook through my ear once. That was painful. Clipped it off and kept fishing. One time I was bushwhacking down a hillside to get to some cutthroats and I slipped and got a broken branch shoved through my knee to the bone. That was painful. Of course we were fishing the whole weekend, so I duct taped it shut and winced through the pain. I must have been 16 or so, if that happened now I'd be straight to the ER for stitches and vicodin. but when You're as clumsy as I am, you get used to the pain.

[racfish]

I'm not laughing at you Nate But When Im out fishing or crabbing Im like an accident waiting to happen. Duct tape is amazing stuff. Ive taped my ankle up with DT before,also fixed a radiator in my 64 Ford Fairlane going over Snoqualmie. The butt of my favorite Fenwick is wrapped in duct tape.. Amazing stuff.

[tsath24]

Wise words from of ya....I'm just a "Danielson" grasshopper learning...